Walking These Motherhood Streets

Nursery preparations; pregnancy photo shoot with the man; bonding and getting closer; pregnancy glow – the imagery of happiness I wish I had experienced. However, my reality deviated from this picturesque scene; this ideal that most if not all women would love. Today, I explore my emotional journey, a woman frustrated, depressed, wrestling with resentment and a cocktail of emotions.

What should be a time of closeness and connection was a period of profound isolation. I mean I had my family and friends (those who I told I was pregnant that is), the man was there, however I have never felt so alone and out of place in my life. This whole process was new and scary because I did not know what was happening and the doctor could not provide a reason for the constant pain, and I had no one to relate to. Yes, I had friends and family who had children; however, their journey and experience were much different. When I felt overwhelmed, I could not say to the man “here, it’s your turn to feel some pain, carry the weight, and give me a break’…it was all me. I carried the weight of physical changes, hormonal fluctuations, the constant discomfort, and pain. Not to mention I was in quite the depressive state, or should I say functional depressive state.

It was mentally and emotionally hard for me because I did not believe I was free to share what I was going through, I was told we all go through it, and I should be grateful for having a child if I shared my frustrations. As a result, I spiralled deeper into myself not saying much, and grin and bear as much as I could.  It was a silent struggle, as I was expected to be happy while I quietly battled my inner demons. The fear of sounding like I was complaining or being ungrateful lead to a lot of pent-up emotions.

Undiluted Resentment

Oh yes, I was very resentful, especially towards the man, many times his presence annoyed me. Going about his business as usual while I was a sitting duck on his time *rolls eyes*. I disliked him so much, sometimes I didn’t even talk to him, I did not want to talk to him. There he was being his best self while my productivity declined, my ability to do what I normally did declined. I was limited, and I hated it. I felt like I was experiencing a great injustice. For all I cared it was all me by myself and he was the bane of my existence. The poor man didn’t know how much I cursed him on the inside. On the other hand, he was also more into himself, and I was not sure why, I mean it was my world turning upside down.

And then he shocked me, he opened up one day and shared that he felt guilty for all the pain I was experiencing. I felt so bad, there I was berating the man in my head, and he was there having his own struggles. I felt selfish in that moment for only considering my feelings and not considering him at all. But I still disliked him, I just could not help it.

A Pause for Reflection

Feelings of frustration are common during pregnancy, and they can stem from various sources. As for myself I was unable to enjoy the process or appreciate the fact that I was going to become a parent, my misery overshadowed the beauty of creating a new life.

Also, it is so easy to become wrapped up in our own world of misery during pregnancy. The physical and emotional challenges can consume our thoughts and make it difficult to consider the perspective and feelings of our partner. But their feelings matter too. I didn’t act like the man’s feelings mattered but it did and when he opened up to me it really hit me that I am not the only one affected.

Persons should also bear in mind that pregnancy is a unique and deeply personal journey. It’s important to acknowledge that it can be a time of profound emotional and physical turmoil for some women. Therefore, it is important to be more empathetic and understanding and not be quick to be dismissive of feelings.