Walking These Motherhood Streets

I regained consciousness but I was in a dark place unable to open my eyes. I felt as though I was suffocating so I fought to open my eyes.  As I battled with my senses, a male voice cut through the haze, urging me to stop, I was not sure if my struggle was visible to others, I had no sense of where I was or what was happening I only knew I needed to open my eyes and escape this space so I continued to struggle until I could finally open my eyes. I found myself gazing at the ceiling, trying to piece together the fragments of my consciousness but there was an intense burning at my lower abdomen.

Turning my head, I saw a young female doctor by my side, her reassuring touch on my hand. It took a moment for reality to sink in, for me to recall why I was lying on that table. Then, I glanced over to see the doctors huddled over the baby—a sight that should have filled me with overwhelming joy and connection, yet there was nothing…only an unexpected void. This was not what my friends said it would be, it was not the experience I heard other mothers gushing about.

One doctor informed the others that I was awake, and the baby was brought over for me to kiss, and I did so mechanically in my bewildered state. Unbeknownst to me, I kissed a body – it was not until the next day that I would find out that when they took the baby out, he made one cry and that was it, he had a cardiac arrest and the resuscitated him when they brought him down to NICU. After they made me kiss him they rushed away with him and shortly after I was wheeled into another room on the labour ward where I was for about 40 minutes before I was brought onto the ward to recover.

Amidst the flurry of procedures and fleeting interactions, loneliness engulfed me like a heavy fog. My sense of self seemed to slip away, replaced by an unfamiliar mental state…I was no longer the Shatha I nor everyone else knew. I navigated through conversations with doctors, nodding along as depression creeped in that clouded my mind, wishing that I could be anywhere but there.

The following day brought more clarity as two doctors visited me to shed light on the events that had transpired. Their words painted a picture of the gravity of the situation, highlighting the blessing of timely intervention and the collaborative efforts to safeguard both my life and that of my child. One of the doctors repeated that I was blessed, and I should stay blessed.

After the doctors’ visit, I was told that I could go and visit my baby, nothing could prepare me for the sight I was about to see and feelings I expected to have but did not feel. There he was a tiny being housed in an incubator tubes and needle seemingly coming from everywhere. I still felt nothing and wondered, I only knew that he was mine and I should take care of him.

This journey from conception to birth was everything I did not want, expect, and would never wish on anyone, but the next chapter of new life…people, I had no idea what I was in for…